I meant to have this post done yesterday, and while I am not a firm believer in wrapping up and reflecting on the old year, I feel like 2020 has really earned it now, and I think I need this to make peace with all the things that have been happening in the last year.
This will be a very personal post, but unfortunately, there was no space in my bullet journal.
If you decide to keep reading, I hope you get to know me better.
I absolutely hated you.
Last night, while I was discussing the year with some friends on Instagram, I recalled that I broke down crying on January 1st 2020.
And I remember the reason I cried. I cried because I knew you would be hard on me, and I felt so incredibly small in that moment – small and weak.
I feel like you really knew how to gather all the bad things that could have possibly happened just so you could wrap it up in a bow and make me think it was going to be okay.
On January 9th, I turned 19 – and I cried again. My backpack strap broke, and I was so shaken by that, that after I had made it to school that day, it took me 5 minutes to decide that I couldn’t – and so I drove back home.
I lied to everyone that day – how I had spent nine hours at school, even though I had actually spent them in bed crying over a stupid backpack strap, and my 19th birthday was absolutely ruined.
Fast forward to February – I studied my arse off for my mock finals, and yet, I collected my first B in English I had ever gotten. My hobbyhorse had been temporarily taken from me, and there I was, losing my confidence.
On March 13th, a Friday no less, you ruined my senior year. I remember standing in the art room I always had class in, talking to my art teacher. I remember handing her my half-assed project and hearing her say that it was very likely that none of us would be coming back to school the next week.
And with that, my senior year was over. I didn’t get to even opt out of prom (because I don’t like parties) – there was no prom.
I paid 25 bucks for a year book I never received.
I spent hours upon hours studying for a final that I would later fail.
And as if that wasn’t worse enough – I overslept another one.
You decided I should buy some great-looking Dr. Marten’s sandals, only to decide that my feet couldn’t handle them. I was in so much pain – emotionally, and physically. I have one proper picture of those shoes, and I miss them so much.
Then you decided I should opt for Birkenstocks instead, and in those, I got a bunch of blisters.
At least I didn’t fail my last exam too – but I remember how weird it was to take it, because it had been so long since I had last stepped into my school.
I hate change.
I remember coming back to the school to graduate. I remember the utter joy I felt when I got my hobbyhorse back. I remember my year coordinate’s smile when he congratulated me from afar. I remember dressing up. I remember not having one nice picture of my graduation.
I remember feeling sick over my fancy dinner at my favorite restaurant.
It was a mosquito bite. I hate mosquitoes.
Summer was a blur.
I remember taking anti-biotics for days until the mosquito bite went away. I remember going to the mall and buying a pair of chunky white sneakers.
I remember my parents begging me to get out of bed to go do stuff.
I remember going to the gym to torture myself with a work-out twice a week. I remember thinking it would be better this way. It never was.
I remember the countless of breakdowns I had over the summer, and wishing that I could finally move out.
Fast forward to September first. I said goodbye to my mom that morning, climbed into the car and drove, full of hope, towards a new life.
You ruined that, too.
I remember the first night I noticed the linoleum flooring in my dorm reminded me of the hospital, my first fight with my roommates (with whom I still don’t get along), the party, and the breakdown that followed.
I haven’t recovered from that.
I remember having no choice but doing, and being exhausted by it. I remember getting lost in parts of Cologne I didn’t know existed.
I remember haggling over a Nintendo Switch – I haven’t played in months.
I remember asking strangers for help and braving escalators because I had to.
Fast forward to the end of October, when I got falsely accepted into the English Studies class – yes, you ruined that for me, too.
I can’t say I like studying at University as much as I thought I would – it gives me a lot of anxiety, and I keep thinking that it’s not something I’m cut out for – thanks for the self doubt.
You know, I know I squealed in happiness at every message from friends I got, at every piece of mail, no matter if big or small, that found it’s way into my arms, at the countless of games of Among Us that I wasn’t impostor in and especially at all the content from my favorite authors and celebrities, but if you honestly thought this would make it better, you were mistaken.
You made me feel like I was.
I was, but I wasn’t living.
And now that I’ve gotten this off my chest, it’s time I did better than you ever could.
So, goodbye 2020 – you absolute shit-show of a year.
Good f*cking riddance.